purplerabbits

Good things:
Out of 68 Albums I have already got 11 and had offers of another 23

Bad things:
Almost everything else

Good thing:
The everything else isn't actually an immediate threat to my well-being, much as my brain is trying to make it out to be

I think I need help. Especially I need someone other than me who can have a conversation and help me look at things more sanely

There is an item on my to do list that has been there a while that says 'pull self together'. Of course it is perfectly possibly that it could be phrased better in order to maximise the chance of success, but it does still represent a big pile of undone stuff. My house is a mess, as is my eating, such that going home brings me down and then I do nothing or read in bed or knit in front of the TV all night when I have a night off, and when I have meetings (like Beltane stuffs last night) I tend not to go home but potter about in town for a couple of hours after work, often stopping in some kind of pub. Not, on the whole, good.

What I need is company while I sort some of it out. Or at least that's what I want. I don't suppose anyone wants to visit me tonight and poke me to wash up?

Love has gone and left me and the days are all alike;
Eat I must, and sleep I will,—and would that night were
here!
But ah!—to lie awake and hear the slow hours strike!
Would that it were day again!—with twilight near!

Love has gone and left me and I don't know what to do;
This or that or what you will is all the same to me;
But all the things that I begin I leave before I'm through,—
There's little use in anything as far as I can see.

Love has gone and left me,—and the neighbors knock and
borrow,
And life goes on forever like the gnawing of a mouse,—
And to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow
There's this little street and this little house.

I feel like shit, really
I don't know what's going on with me. No sleep last night, guts rebelling.
I lack coffee
The flat is overwhelming me
But I can't face going out
Even for coffee
This is a bad recipe
I suppose I could face up to the washing up. Yes, if I'm going to feel crap that would be a good idea.
This has been a cry for help. Please send coffee and/or sanity.

For some reason I could hardly bear today. And now I have most of my bedroom on the floor in a futile attempt to tidy up so I can fit my possessions into this space: except that they DO NOT FIT because I was fool enough to buy a teeny flat rather than rent an enormous one. Right now I am feeling sufficiently disgusted with myself to throw the whole boiling away, except that the only reason I kept this much this long was because I could actually make a fair bit by selling them, which I badly need. Will I get round to it? I doubt that, but if anyone wants to help or is doing a car boot or something anytime, I'd be happy to offer a commission just to get shot of the stuff.

Excuse me.

GRAARGH

OK, that's better. Now to clear the crap at least off my bed so I can get in it.

Sorry guys. I don't know why I've been such a cow today. I like to think I'm not usually like this, but I know that one time I do let it happen is if I think I'm defending someone. Nine times out of ten they either don't want defending or I've got my facts wrong, so I should know better by now.

I will now return to the real world, where I will make roasted tomato soup and tidy my house.

I need something, but I'm not sure what it is. Comfort, rest, chocolate, beer, company? Possibly all at once? What I really want is a lot of money and a chauffeur/handyman, but company while I do stuff in the new flat would do, especially if acompanied by chocolate. Actually I don't usually get chocolate cravings - maybe it's PMT :-(

I also need to write another yard long to do list, to stop me waking up at 6am worrying about what should be on it...

I was not equipped to know how to care
And on the occasions I came up for air
I saw my life and wondered
what the hell I had been living

Ah well, at least that decision excuses me from giving a shit in future

Or in other words - yergh. At least I don't ache right now, but I do feel far too much up to my eyes in stuff (and not all of that stuff is torchie costume fabric, though lots is).

I expect I'll feel better when I get out of work, but today has been a real drag, and I don't have a free day until next Saturday, when I will be falling over...

I envy you all:

I envy the rich ones their money, I envy the ones who've spent too much money for having had it to spend
I envy the happy ones their happiness, I envy the depressed ones their sympathy
I envy those with families that they care about, I envy those with no families
I envy the ones who're getting way more sex than me, I envy the ones who're turning down more sex than I ever get
I envy the Londoners their social life, I envy those in the country their silence
I envy the beautiful people, the thin ones, the ugly ones who yet feel free to be outrageous
I envy everyone with a cat, everyone with a garden
I envy everyone with a car, I envy everyone with cable TV
I envy everyone who owns their own home, I envy everyone with double glazing
I envy the cyclists, I envy the fit ones, I envy everyone who can go swimming without self-consciousness
I envy the ones who take more care of the environment than me
I envy people who have never known binge eating, people who are not afraid to answer the phone, people who can plan
I envy the intellectuals, the geeks, the people getting published, the ones who work at universities
I envy every one of you who can sing, or play an instrument, I envy those who can speak another language, or make a dress.
I envy people who can cook, I envy people who can maintain their own computers
I envy people who like their jobs, who hate their jobs but at least get paid more than me, who have no jobs and therefore some free time
I envy everyone younger than me for their chances
I envy the people with red hair, the people with black hair, the people with blonde or mousy hair for at least you can dye it properly
I envy the people with 20/20 vision, I envy people who can sleep easily
I envy the people who can wear high heels, I envy people who are taller than me
I envy people who have travelled, I envy everyone who has something interesting to say about their life

And I envy everyone who's going to tell me they know better than me for their god damn arrogance.

I may not be able to make it to Harry Potter :-( The way my day is going I need to work late and then go and get blind drunk - and then come in early tomorrow and do it all over again...