Good things:
Out of 68 Albums I have already got 11 and had offers of another 23

Bad things:
Almost everything else

Good thing:
The everything else isn't actually an immediate threat to my well-being, much as my brain is trying to make it out to be

I think I need help. Especially I need someone other than me who can have a conversation and help me look at things more sanely

Love has gone and left me and the days are all alike;
Eat I must, and sleep I will,—and would that night were
here!
But ah!—to lie awake and hear the slow hours strike!
Would that it were day again!—with twilight near!

Love has gone and left me and I don't know what to do;
This or that or what you will is all the same to me;
But all the things that I begin I leave before I'm through,—
There's little use in anything as far as I can see.

Love has gone and left me,—and the neighbors knock and
borrow,
And life goes on forever like the gnawing of a mouse,—
And to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow and to-morrow
There's this little street and this little house.

For some reason I could hardly bear today. And now I have most of my bedroom on the floor in a futile attempt to tidy up so I can fit my possessions into this space: except that they DO NOT FIT because I was fool enough to buy a teeny flat rather than rent an enormous one. Right now I am feeling sufficiently disgusted with myself to throw the whole boiling away, except that the only reason I kept this much this long was because I could actually make a fair bit by selling them, which I badly need. Will I get round to it? I doubt that, but if anyone wants to help or is doing a car boot or something anytime, I'd be happy to offer a commission just to get shot of the stuff.

Excuse me.

GRAARGH

OK, that's better. Now to clear the crap at least off my bed so I can get in it.

I need something, but I'm not sure what it is. Comfort, rest, chocolate, beer, company? Possibly all at once? What I really want is a lot of money and a chauffeur/handyman, but company while I do stuff in the new flat would do, especially if acompanied by chocolate. Actually I don't usually get chocolate cravings - maybe it's PMT :-(

I also need to write another yard long to do list, to stop me waking up at 6am worrying about what should be on it...

I envy you all:

I envy the rich ones their money, I envy the ones who've spent too much money for having had it to spend
I envy the happy ones their happiness, I envy the depressed ones their sympathy
I envy those with families that they care about, I envy those with no families
I envy the ones who're getting way more sex than me, I envy the ones who're turning down more sex than I ever get
I envy the Londoners their social life, I envy those in the country their silence
I envy the beautiful people, the thin ones, the ugly ones who yet feel free to be outrageous
I envy everyone with a cat, everyone with a garden
I envy everyone with a car, I envy everyone with cable TV
I envy everyone who owns their own home, I envy everyone with double glazing
I envy the cyclists, I envy the fit ones, I envy everyone who can go swimming without self-consciousness
I envy the ones who take more care of the environment than me
I envy people who have never known binge eating, people who are not afraid to answer the phone, people who can plan
I envy the intellectuals, the geeks, the people getting published, the ones who work at universities
I envy every one of you who can sing, or play an instrument, I envy those who can speak another language, or make a dress.
I envy people who can cook, I envy people who can maintain their own computers
I envy people who like their jobs, who hate their jobs but at least get paid more than me, who have no jobs and therefore some free time
I envy everyone younger than me for their chances
I envy the people with red hair, the people with black hair, the people with blonde or mousy hair for at least you can dye it properly
I envy the people with 20/20 vision, I envy people who can sleep easily
I envy the people who can wear high heels, I envy people who are taller than me
I envy people who have travelled, I envy everyone who has something interesting to say about their life

And I envy everyone who's going to tell me they know better than me for their god damn arrogance.

Abject apologies to everyone I've pissed off today. I am now going away to have a drink and work out how best to regain whatever I can of my pathetic equilibrium and how not to completely go off on one while still being able to express things that genuinely upset me. I'm just hoping that this is a symptom of early PMT as it would get my period over before BiCon. I'll get my coat.

I'm going to keep off LJ today, as a) I have too much work to do, and b) my nerves are totally frazzled from yesterday's firefighting. In addition to the stuff here, I've had far to much to deal with on uk-bi and the BiCon and my personal in-boxes have also been... interesting. If I had the energy to deal with all that I should be using it to run BiCon, not defend it :-(

See you all later, when I feel a bit less like shit.

I guess I haven't been saying a lot on here lately. That's partly because things get worse in my head whenever I get too introverted.

I hate my life. It is perhaps unfortunate to get so drunk on one's birthday that one wakes up with an evil hangover - especially if it's one of those hangovers that fills you with disgust at yourself and makes you look at everything in the unnaturally sober big light. It certainly isn't any fun. But right now I'm surprised to find that I'm not depressed - I'm angry. This is not what life was supposed to be and I'm going to have to change that.

I'm gonna change my colours / cancel my things / stop my squawking / grow some wings

I am not, however, going to 'burn every word and letter and card that I ever wrote'. There is such a thing as taking lyrics too seriously...