purplerabbits

Damn, a chunk went missing off the end of that last update, although on reflection it's probably for the best. The summary is that there is other bad stuff happening in my family. Surprise. I am glad that I'm typing this in the morning while there is light and my brain is less likely to be sucked into the black hole of despair that is November. I've been up unavoidably early the last few days for the train to Dundee and the boiler guy and I may try to keep it up, as I need all the daylight I can get. When I say early of course I am deliberately pissing on a lot of London commuters and early rising sports enthusiasts, but to me 7.30 is early and 6.30 is arse o' clock.

So I should note that I'm not actually in a bad mood right now, partly because the boiler guy *seems* to have fixed the boiler (though there is no filling key and he's going to have to drop it off later.) More to the point these guys have always turned up on time and phoned when they say they will, and they do most household repairs, so I'm keeping them :-)

When I am in a bad mood at the moment, which is mostly when it's dark, I feel incredibly low. And lonely. I am trying CBT techniques on this with limited success - arguing with the thoughts can stop them spiraling down, but it's mostly not thoughts, it's much more an almost-but-not-quite physical sensation of cold and aching and illness and blah. And arguing with thoughts is tiring all by itself, too. I got quite a lot done last night and this morning - washing up, hanging out washing, making carrot and orange soup, hoovering and such, but then there is danger of depression turning to resentment and anger, especially with the other people who are *not* washing up &etc. And knowing that this is not 100% reasonable helps only a little :-(

And at other times I get filled with the anger. I mean really frothing with helpless rage, and not aimed at anything coherent in particular. At the moment objects of my rage include, but are not limited to, jesters, the government, my boss, people on the street, the US government, people who stop me outside work to try to sell me Subway cards, my family, the Australian government, people who do not comment on my LJ and god.

I am even having dreams about people I know and like doing unforgivable things that they would never do and me shouting at them, so I wake up angry. This morning I dreamt ciphergoth was working for the government or MI5 or something and hijacked my birthday party to run a mock terrorist event where all my guests got quizzed about their allegiances. Also a whole mothers' group of Indian women with babies came in and ate the food I'd laid on for my friends. I mean I do know an Indian woman with a baby, but wutufu?

Anyhoo, the boiler guy is all done now, so I'd better get to work. Boo to work.

(Hmm, LJ spell checker says it's dreamed not dreamt - am I wrong?)