purplerabbits

So I got the evil evil ESA50 in. Which is the single most depressing thing I've had to do ever even with the heroic help I had. I had heard people say that if you don't feel suicidal at the start you will by the end. This is not hyperbole.

And then I was very very depressed some more, for values of depressed that include flies breeding in my bins and eating out of date food off of dirty plates, which l know is just yuck. But.

My lovely OT made me write a list of Things Did which was good, cos I do manage to do some things, including making it to get the damn form in and going to the GP and knitting a wee easy shawl thingy. Lovely L has also dragged me to pottery which is deeply therapeutic, and I've been twice now and made some things which might be OK.

Yesterday I did some things in my actual house, including washing up and changing my bedding, which was very much needed. There is still a long was to go but I am actually pleased about the bedroom, where I managed to get everything off the floor.

I don't know really where Im supposed to go from here. I know I am spending more money than I have coming in. It would be hard not to even if I do all the sensible things cos my bills etc leave me £140 a month to live on. But I'm not doing all the most sensible things yet. I haven't cancelled the V+ box, cos I love it, and I have been getting taxis to appointments cos otherwise I won't make it. And pottery costs money of course.

But it's very hard to even imagine myself in a job right now, and starting my business requires more cope and self confidence than I can lay my hands on. I'm allowed to earn £20 a week while on ESA, and I'd be happy to do some work for someone, but I don't know anywhere you can get little tiny jobs... I have booked a flea market stall at the Drill Hall for the 28 September, so I guess I'd better start working out what to take and how to carry it, which from the 4th floor is going to be FUN.

I have a birthday on the 2nd October, which feels weird cos there's not a lot to celebrate, but I am having a wee party with Jenny; If you are not on the evil Face Book or didn't get an invite give me a shout, cos it would be nice to see people.

Oh and I have a list of things I'd quite like, if anyone gets the urge to buy me a present.

• Amazon vouchers so I can buy printer ink and stuff.
• A big tub of Fairtrade coffee
• Port, white port, mead, marsala and other nommy sweetish alcomahol
• Someone to come to the zoo with me
• People to do cool things with me in general
• A lift to Caerlaverock and/or an overnight stay there so I can see whooper swans in winter
• A lift to somewhere with sea eagles
• Paid time on Deadjournal, or on Flickr
• This pattern
• Black yarn to do the background of that pattern, I have plenty of merino superwash in colours, but it needs a black background